


It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

by justanotherheller, TheTenaciousAngel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, But it's too late, Dead Castiel (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Actually Deals With Feelings, Dean Winchester Figuring Out His Feelings For Castiel, Dean Winchester Has Self-Esteem Issues, Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, Dean Winchester Uses Actual Words, F/M, Grieving Dean Winchester, Guilt, Healing Dean Winchester, M/M, Pining, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth, Pre-Episode: s15e20 Carry On, Some Humor, Tea Parties
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:00:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29876685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanotherheller/pseuds/justanotherheller, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTenaciousAngel/pseuds/TheTenaciousAngel
Summary: “Off to Wisconsin, then?” Dean set down his beer bottle, stood up, and gave his body a stretch. Miracle came trotting out of nowhere and started running around Dean until he bent down to give him a quick scratch behind his ear. Sam muttered an agreement and they both went to their own rooms to get packing, with Miracle tailing Dean.They decide to drop by Garth’s, with him and his family being in Wisconsin, same as their case. Also, Garth had now offered them to look after Miracle, a couple of times now, since they were having trouble with finding a safe place for the boy, while they hunted. And bringing him along for hunts was not an option they were considering.At Garth's Dean is ends up letting himself feel everything as he held the child named after the angel who loved him
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Garth Fitzgerald IV/Bess Myers
Kudos: 22





	It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

**Author's Note:**

> This is an excerpt from what I wrote for something big [TheTenaciousAngel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTenaciousAngel/pseuds/TheTenaciousAngel) is working on.

Little Gertie was the one who opened the door. “Oh hello, Miracle. It’s so nice to see you again!” She ruffled his tan fur, smiling from ear to ear down at him. The Winchesters towered over her, smiling. If she were some random little girl, she’d have closed the door on their noses, and scampered back to her mother, but she just turned back and yelled “Mom, the giants are back!”. The boys laughed at that. Sam’s laughter subsided as he saw that Dean was laughing at him.

“Come on in,” she then invited them quite uninterestedly, but her eyes glinted as they fell on Miracle.

“It’s so good to see you both. Make yourselves home.” Bess gave them her best smile as Gertie led them in.

“Good to see you too, Bess. Where’s Garth?” Sam asked, plopping onto the couch. The last time he sat there, he fell onto the floor and rolled in pain. It wasn’t a refreshing memory but it made its way back into his head.

“He’s gone grocery shopping. He’ll be home in time for lunch.” Bess replied, not taking her eyes off the stove.

Sam sat back and scrolled through his phone, and Dean ran his fingers behind Miracles ears as they both watched him. Dean still didn’t get what was so worth watching on phones if not porn, and these days, he’s been weary of that too. All he did with his phone was make calls, unlike Sam, who did a thousand other stuff on that thing.

“Mommy, it’s time for me to call Ann.” Gertie’s voice came from behind the kitchen counter. The brothers couldn’t help but smile at how she couldn’t be seen from the other side of it.

“What about your brothers, Gertie? Daddy told you to look after them, didn’t he?” She kept her voice stern but eyes soft as she looked down at the frail girl.

“Can’t the giants look after them? Please, Mommy?”, she pleaded and Bess gave in.

“Why don’t you ask them first? And they’re Sam and Dean. Not giants, sweety.” The correction flew past her head as she trotted her way to a very occupied Dean.

Dean scoffed imperceptibly as he now flipped his way through one of the coloring books stacked on the coffee table. There was a time when he wished he could get one of these. Well, not to color Disney princesses but Batman or something as cool as that. Oh, the drama it would have caused if Dean had even considered asking John of buying him one. He looks up as Gertie tugs the corner of his flannel.

“Can you watch my brothers? My friend’s waiting for me to call her up.”

Dean’s eyes fell on the wobbly head peering up at him from one of the cribs. “Uh, yeah. Sure.”

“Great!” She skipped toward the twins and scooped them up and stumbled her way over to the brothers, and splayed the kids before them. “So the one wearing blue is Cas, and the one wearing orange is Sam.” She said pointing at the blue-clad baby at first and then the orange. “Now don’t get them crying.” She warned them and then hesitated for a second.

“Anything else, Ma’am?” Dean quipped and she looked at Miracle from the corner of her eyes.

“Can I take him upstairs with me?” She asked clutching onto the frill of her skirt, scared of being denied.

“Why not?” Dean threw his arms up and she squealed in joy.

“Come on, boy”, she waved at Miracle and he trotted behind her as she hurried to the stairs.

“Say ‘Thank you’ Gertie,” Bess called out to her as she ran all the way up the stairs and all that came in response was gibberish that sounded an awful lot like ‘thanks’.

Dean turned around to find Sam already cradling and swaying the blue baby in his hands. _Dammit. It's Castiel. Not a friggin’ blue baby._ He chastised himself as he wryly crouched over and cooed at baby Sam only to receive an uninterested stare, like the one his sister gives the brothers.

“Yeah, this one doesn’t like me all that much.” Dean shook his head and straightened up to find Sam still busy with trying to catch Castiel’s attention. But the kid kept staring at Dean.

“Got no luck with this guy here. Want to uh- exchange?” Sam searched his very stoic face, as he gently let a now squirming Castiel down on the floor. They both knew it was awkward for Dean to come here and face a baby literally named after Cas. But did they talk about it? Hell no! Winchesters don’t talk about their feelings. That’s bullshit.

“Don’t want them crying, right?” he shrugged wryly as he went for the child, who had wobbled his way over to him and splayed his tiny hand on his ginormous knee, and practically fell into his arms as he reached out.

Dean propped him up on his thighs as he tried reaching for Dean’s face, one hand clutching the sleeve of his jacket. He didn’t even realize the tension seeping away from his muscles as Castiel finally got ahold of his face. Sam was giggling along with junior as he tickled his sides, and wandered outside suppressing the laughter bubbling up in his chest.

“Aren’t you all handsy!” Dean said weakly as the baby explored his face and pressed a tiny finger into the dimple of his chin, curiousness obvious in the baby blue eyes.

Holding Castiel in his hands felt different than he thought it would. What he expected was a wave of guilt, self-hatred, and anger to hit him but all he felt was plain sadness, and somehow, that felt so much worse. But there was also this feeling of warmth that spread in his chest when the child would let a smile or two slip when their eyes met, same as the ones he used to feel when his angel gave him his rare smiles. And as painful as those memories were, they also made him smile. To know that he got to spend twelve years with an angel, not just in form but also by heart, and not to mention having been loved by him, made him feel gratitude, so much more intensely than ever, that it hurt.

The child was nothing like Cas. The silence, blank stares, and blue eyes only defined him superficially. And yet holding this child in his arms was unsettling for him and also somehow healing. Having the child named after Cas in his arms was like a gift too painful to hold and yet too fragile to drop. It took him sitting there with Castiel on his lap to truly see how deep a scar his death has left in his mind. He can’t even meet the baby’s eyes without having his heart making a ruckus in his chest. But Castiel didn’t seem to mind. He was perfectly comfortable on Dean’s lap and to Dean, he looked pretty much relieved not to be cooed at.

“Hey, Bess. Mind if we both get some fresh air?” Dean called out when the air in the room started suffocating him. No. He wasn’t choking up. He just needed to step out for a while.

“As long as you don’t run away with my baby, sure.” Bess humored and with a grunt, Dean was on his feet striding for the door. He almost bumped into Sam as the giant made his way in, and he raised his eyebrows in question.

“I don’t know how they do this, man” Sam hissed as junior fisted his hair and yanked it down.

“I’m in charge of the cool one. Have fun with the rogue twin, Sam.” Dean smiled smugly as he squeezed his way past the door.

The fresh air hit them both like water hitting a dying fish. He breathed in deep and Castiel’s head lolled to rest on Dean’s shoulders. He looked down quickly at the tuft of blonde hair and the tiny back rising and falling as the toddler breathed calmly. As far as Dean knew, babies were mostly super squirmy or complete waterworks when they’re with strangers but Castiel eased into his grasp like a child in his parent’s. The tiny huff of fascination that left his lips ruffled the soft blonde hair as Dean settled on one of the chairs on their porch.

He made Castiel sit on his lap facing him, and both sat in comfortable silence as his eyes went over the peaceful neighborhood.

“You doing alright down there buddy? Make a fuss if you get bored”, he said softly down at the toddler and then leaned his head back onto the wall and closed his eyes, his hands firm around Castiel.

“Your Daddy probably told you this but uh… You were named after an angel.” He found himself blurting out. He would have scowled at himself and mouthed a _What the fuck am I doing?_ if he wasn’t such a mess. He had no idea what he was doing. It seemed awkward and idiotic. But Castiel here was a toddler. Too small to understand what he’s saying or to give him some lame ass advice. He was the perfect outlet for Dean to let it all out.

“He’s the reason we’re all alive..” He sighed. “He didn’t have to do any of this, you know? He’s an angel for- for God’s sake. He could have just squatted in heaven like whichever angels were left but he chose to be down here with us and save us.” The breath that came out after was heavy with regret and weary. He didn’t want to lie anymore. Not to the world or to himself.

“He chose to be here with me and save me. He loved me.” The weight that lifted off his heart punched a breath out of him. He had never said those words aloud ever, and saying it out loud was exhilarating.

_Happiness isn’t in the having.  
It’s just in being.  
It’s just in saying it._

That flicker of joy was lost in a second as the words echoed in his mind for the hundredth time in his mind.

“He said loved me and I… I just stood there like an idiot. I didn’t know what to say. I thought he…” He trailed off, eyes flicking wildly as a few faint smiles and gummy laughs flashed behind his eyes, and his skin tried recalling the feel of those touches on his shoulder that said so much more than words and huffed out a laugh. “Now that I think of it, I was an idiot all along.”

The child was now leaning on Dean’s stomach, breathing calmly, his tiny soft hands tucked in the warmth between them, feeling the thrum of Dean’s voice.

“I mean, yeah. He wasn’t all perfect or anything. Did so many stupid shi- um... stupid things. Messed up real bad. Even left me behind so many times. He’d just friggin’ take off and not check in for days. But he always came back. Always. Hell, I don’t get to be angry. It’s not like he was the one who messed up every time. At least he’d try to make it right. When did I ever try?” Dean swallowed as he slowly let it dawn on him.

Castiel tried. Every single time to redeem himself. To earn back Dean's trust. What did Dean do? He broke him, made him choose him over his family, and got him killed. And Castiel forgave him, every single time. Dean made him feel worthless and used, drove him away, and all he did was just hug it out later.

Breathing deeply to calm the anger stirring in him, he hissed out, not too aggressive as to have startled the child.

“That child. He should have known better than to fall in love with me.” He looked down to find Castiel’s breathing to have evened out, eyes shut close. He smiled as he watched the child sleep peacefully against him, and found himself wondering if this is how Cas felt when he watched Dean sleep. Adoration and protectiveness. But so much stronger than he could imagine.

_I know how you see yourself, Dean  
You see yourself the way our enemies see you.  
You’re destructive, and you’re angry, and you’re broken_

He shut his eyes tight and his jaws clenched as he let the words in for the first time. He had been trying to fight them off ever since they fell from Cas’s lips. He never thought he deserved such words; or such love for that matter. But this time in the wake of such peacefulness and not wanting to let the angel’s last words go neglected, he let them in. He let that love wash him over and purify him of all the self-hatred.

_And you think that hate, that anger, that’s- that’s what drives you.  
That’s who you are.  
It’s not.  
And everyone who knows you sees it.  
Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love._

_Fuck!_ He swore in his head for the sake of the child’s innocence. He remembered everything he had said, word by word, and every emotion that played across that face. He remembered them painfully clear, and they echoed so many times a day for so long but he never paid attention to what they meant. He had been doing the exact opposite of what Cas would have wanted him to. He controlled the twitch in his muscles that urged him to thrash something right that instant but like Cas said. It wasn’t anger that drove him.

It never was anger. It was loss and despair. He had just been channeling all those emotions into anger.

“You know what? I may be everything Cas said I was, and nothing like I see myself. But I’m telling you. I’m definitely a dumbass.” He shook his head in all seriousness. “I’ve been calling him a child all this time, and he was never just a baby in a trench coat. It was me all along.”

“Shit” He cursed under his breath as he realized that he was doing it again. Bad habits die hard. After all, he had been beating himself over every bad thing that happened to him and his family. He had been blaming himself for every damn thing. He had been buying into John gaslighting him and to make it even worse, he’d been twisting John’s already harsh words, making them worse, and for what? Nothing good at all. If it had gotten him anywhere, then it’s here in this mess. Helpless again as he has always felt.

“If I go on like this, then everything he said would have been for nothing.” He rambled as his eyes caught an interesting looking leaf on the porch. He went on staring at it as he drank in the silence his mind gave him until he saw it. Clarity, for the first time in his life. He finally saw how he could make it hurt less. He wanted to smack his own head as he realized that his idea was to "cherish the memories", but he didn't. Because no matter how cliché that seemed, that's all he could do for himself and for Cas.

"You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna try to stop sulking. It's not gonna be easy but I'm gonna try. For Cas." He forced out a smile and then groaned, hitting his head on the wall.

"The fuck am I doing," he mumbles through his breath.

This wasn't working out like he wanted to. He was supposed to feel better after saying it all out loud and trying to move on. But he knew that he had to actually face all the crap to move on but he still felt like wasn't ready for all that yet.

"I can't do this, Cas." His voice broke as he choked the words out to nothingness. "I'm trying. But I just- I just can't, I'm sorry." he desperately searched the sky as he started breathing heavily.

"I'm gonna try though. I swear to you I'm gonna. Until I… until I can think about you... and smile instead of…" He cleared his throat as he trailed off.

The tears that filled his eyes to the brim drew back as he breathed carefully, letting the grief slowly settle in himself rather than shoving it away. For once, he let the pain do what it wanted to him instead of forcing it out as tears or aggression. Because that's the only way he'd find peace. That was what was fair to Cas.

"Well, would you look at that?" Garth beamed at them as he walked his way up to them. "Ain't he the cutest little thing?”

Thank fuck! Dean wasn’t crying hugging his baby when Garth was standing right in front of him, scrawny and bubbly as ever.

“Ahh... You know he is.” He looked down at Castiel, rubbing his hand up and down the toddler’s back, as he slowly rose from the chair.

“Why don’t you come on in?” Garth smiled widely. “I’ve got something just for you”, he sang, swinging a red shopping bag in front of Dean’s face.

“You didn’t!” Dean grinned like a giddy child.

“Oh I did, alright.” Garth walked past him into the house.

“Pecan?”

“Pecan”

“Fuck, yes.”

“Language!”

They both walk into the living room to find Sam squatted on a ridiculously small, and blindingly neon pink chair, with a tiny teacup raised to his lips and a saucer that was the fourth of the size of his palm, held between his index finger and thumb. Miracle was very politely sitting by him, with a blue bib tied around his neck opposite to little Sam with a similar orange bib, as Gertie poured tea from the tiniest teapot Dean has ever seen into Miracle’s cup, which he then sniffed and whined in disappointment at finding nothing in it.

“What in the sweet sweet heaven am I looking at?” Dean tried not to throw back his head and laugh at Sam who was now looking up at him, shocked and with regret.

As Dean went on silently sniggering at Sam, Garth had returned from the kitchen after handing the groceries over to Bess, and squatted on one of the 3 empty seats around the small table.

He looked over at Dean and smiled invitingly. “Aren’t you gonna join us?” He asked, tying a yellow bib around his neck.

Suddenly, Dean was hit with an urge to sit down and have a tiny cup in his hands. Out of curiosity, of course. He fidgeted a little and looked over at Bess who was met his eyes leaning over the kitchen counter, trying to suppress a smile with raised eyebrows

“Yeah uh… no. Nuh uh” He shook his head, as Bess strode over to take Castiel from his arms. “I’d rather have the kid puke all over me than… this.” He frowned at the table and Gertie narrowed her eyes, hands at her hips.

“Sorry,” he muttered, dropping his gaze and let Bess take Castiel from him.

“Come on, Dean. I know you want to try it out.” He might have thought Sam was teasing him if it weren’t for his “I’m serious, go on” shrug.

“Hard pass.”

“I won’t tell Claire.”

“You won’t have anything to tell her if I don’t join your cult.”

“It’s a tea party!” Garth corrected him, and Dean rolled his eyes.

“If you won’t sit down, I might tell Claire you backed down from attending a tea party because of your toxic masculinity.” Sam raised his shoulders and dropped them like Dean had left him no choice but use blackmail.

“Shut up. I don’t have toxic masculinity!”

“Exactly. It’s non-existent. So sit down, or I’ll show her your Moondoor pictures.”

Dean’s breath caught.

“Ha! Those were terrific!” Garth laughed. Dean’s head jerked to stare at Garth and then to glare at Sam.

“What?” Sam laughed. “It’s just Garth.”

Dean huffed and puffed and then dropped on the empty chair, yanked the green bib off the table and tied it aggressively around his neck, and turned to Sam.

“If you ever tell her about any of this or show her those goddamn pictures, I’m telling you Sammy, I’ll pour bleach into your fancy raspberry shampoo and call you Elle Woods for the rest of your life.” He snapped. And Garth went red, laughing as Gertie facepalmed.

“What’s a man gotta do to get a cup of tea here, huh?” Dean wiggled his eyebrows at Gertie as she sighed and brought the tea pot over to him.

After a few laughs and some tea, Bess called out to them to be at the dining table for lunch, and Dean, who was genuinely having fun but would never tell another soul about it, reluctantly left the table, but the delicious smell of pot roast wafted from the kitchen and he forgot all about tea parties and was the first to be at the table.

The brothers, Garth and his family ate and laughed until they couldn’t anymore. Dean jumped in to help Bess do the dishes and clean up. The twins were fast asleep in their cribs, Gertie took Miracle out to play, and Sam moved to the living room with Garth.

“New case around, huh? Anything I should be worried about?” Garth asked, almost whispering.

“No. We got it. And thanks for helping out with Miracle, man.”

“Hey, what are friends for?” He smiled, slapping Sam’s shoulder, who huffed a laugh shaking his head in agreement.

“How’s he holding up, Sam?”

Sam’s smile dropped which he forced back onto his face, only for it to fall again.

“Not well. He puts up a good show but I don’t know if he’s trying to convince me or himself.” He sighed. “He misses Cas. I miss him too, he was my best friend too, but Dean… He shut everyone out after that, and never talked about what happened that night. Or about Cas at all for that matter.” He rubbed his face and Garth realized how much older and tired Sam looked for his age.

“Give him time. That’s all you can do for now. I don’t have to tell you that he’d lash out if you try to get through him, right?”

“Right.”

“So let him stew in his own mess for a bit longer and he’ll open up. And in time, he’ll heal too.”

“See, that’s the thing. He never does.”

Garth couldn’t do anything but sigh and drop his head at that in response.

“But today, for the first time in a long time,” he smiled, meeting Garth’s eyes, “he laughed for real. And I don’t, I- I’m so fucking relieved. I think it was Cas junior. I heard him saying some stuff to him. I don’t really know what he said. Been giving him a lot of space these days, you know? But today, after that, he got more words out at lunch than he does in a week.”

“You guys should come over more often then.”

“Oh. Thanks man, but you don’t have to-”

Garth cut him off holding up a hand. “Anything for Dean, man. Anything at all. Now come on, you.” He moved in, wrapping his arms around Sam and squeezing him. Sam hugged him just as tight and clapped his back before pulling away.

“You’re a terrific guy, Garth.”

“Oh, all the nice things I hear these days.” He quirks with a knowing smile and has Sam laughing. For real, in a long time.


End file.
